Late Evening Thoughts

As I lay in bed last night, I whispered to Tim, “When you think about dying, doesn’t it seem strange that we still spend every day just waiting for time to pass? For the day to be over?”

This thought is lingering with me today. Not that I hate my job, or the people I work with or despise what I do, but I’m by no means excited by what I do each day. And I do spend the day watching the clock, breathing for it to be 4:30. And yet, I am horrified at how quickly my life is flying by me. I know that before I know it, I will have kids, grandkids, retire, get aches. I make my life a contradiction! I resent the days passing slowly and then complain that the year is already over. What’s the solution to this madness?

Part of me thinks that this is part of the human plight. To age. To work. And these aren’t necessarily bad things, but our death looms ever closer to us and threatens to steal the time and dreams of what could have been.

And part of me thinks these sad feelings are my own fault. I should take control of my life! I should pursue my dreams and do things that I love. Things that make me feel alive!

I think this is the conclusion I will rest in for now (heaven forbid I ever commit to anything): we are responsible to pursue and invest in things that make us who we are, that make us feel alive and excited to live. But we must also be emotionally prepared for the times that life intervenes and prevents us from doing what we would choose. Sometimes we must work. Sometimes we must make the best of our circumstances.

JRM

Disagree? What about the people who must spend every moment looking for food and have no time even to know what makes them feel alive? Only time to stay alive.

Blogging through Grief

Honestly, it may be better for the few of you who read this blog, to just catch up with me in a few months, years, ? when I'm not processing so many dark and heavy feelings. I have to say though, taking a few moments every few weeks or so has been really helpful for me. There is some feeling of community in sharing your thoughts. Anywhoo....

Tim and I went to San Luis Obispo this last weekend for a belated Turkey Day visit. It was really nice. We got to play with baby Grace and spend some good ole fashioned quality time together. Josh and Kat had rented out their home, so all of us kids bunked up at the parents' house. Made for a full (but very fun) weekend!

On Sunday, Tim and I joined the family at his dad's church. Tom didn't preach but the old feeling of attending a family church came back. I remembered how church used to feel like family. How it used to be such a safe place. A place I not only met with God, but knew I was supported. A place that was so much my extended family. This was my dad's church for me all growing up. That small church in Maple Valley, WA raised me right alongside my parents.

As I stood in that building last Sunday, however, all I could hear was a voice asking Why am I not good enough for this? Why don't I belong here? What was so wrong with me that I had to get kicked out? And that was about it for me for the service. I lost it. Completely. Tim's mom wrapped her arms around me and held me the way only mom's can. And I knew she was praying for me and my heart. My hurt.

It's so easy to say to myself and to "know" that it had nothing to do with me (kind of). That there's nothing wrong with me. But on some level, I do believe it. My aching heart believes that in their eyes, there was something wrong with me. I didn't fit with them. That rescue boat rescued me right overboard. And I suppose that's what hurts still. I know that there's nothing wrong with me per se. But it hurts that they think that there is. It's funny to me how much this whole situation has been like a death, like a break up, like a divorce, a slap in the face, a humiliation.

And not to be a scrooge, but I find myself having a hard time with the holidays this year. I tried to psyche myself up for it earlier (see previous post), but for some reason it's not hanging with me. I don't know if it's not having a plan for where we're going, the fallish weather, being stressed/excited about grad school or just not having the emotional energy and gumption to fall in love with Christmas this year. For someone who usually resembles "Buddy" in my excitement for the holidays, it is a strange and surreal feeling. And while I am tenderly hoping that my spirit will come into itself still this season, I think I'm allowing myself to just be a bit of a grinch. Not a lot, just a little :)

What are your favorite Christmas decorations?!

I'm gearing up for Christmas!! Okay, I've been "gearing up" for Christmas since about...eh...September. Yes, I am one of those obnoxious people that cheers as soon as the Christmas decorations start going up in October, and jumps up and down when Christmas music comes on in the stores. Last night, an insuppressible "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  escaped when I saw Sutter Street in Old Folsom all lit up with Christmas lights and trees.

So, naturally, all of my fall decorations are coming down and the Christmas decor is going up! I was trying to brainstorm with my friend, Sunny, about items in our Christmas Boxes that make Christmas Christmas. The Box. The box that holds all of your memories, nostalgia and tummy warming cheer. The box that takes you back to the one Christmas it snows and you got a sweet pink power trike.

These

• Snowman! 
• Snowman garlands, momma snowmen (snowwomen?) with a baby! 
• Snowglobes
• Christmas lights
•  Garlands
• Christmas candles that smell like decade old wax. 
• Antique glass ornaments
• Babyfood jar Christmas tree (I'm doing this craft; I'll post a picture of it to show you when I finish!) 
• Sleigh for cards 
• Tin foil christmas stars 
• Wooden Santas 
• The JOY train 
• A glass deer that was special so mom got to hang it
• Gingerbread ornaments
• Candle Joel for mom when he was little, now when we open the Christmas Box, the whole room smells like that candle

Needless to say, I love Christmas and all that the season entails: snow, ice, evergreens, pine, ice skating, people hurrying and in cheery shopping moods. Sigh....

(photo courtesy of CRM)

What's your favorite part of Christmas? What decorations do you look forward to taking out each year?

Stolen Mantras and Orange Blossom Tea

I haven't been overly vocal about a decision I've made recently. ... or maybe I have. I've decided to throw my name into the pot and try my luck at going back to school. I am so entirely thrilled at this prospect, I want to tell everyone I know. But I feel fear lurking in the shadows, asking me, "What if you don't make it???" Perhaps it's better not to tell, to keep a potential rejection to myself.

But I believe life is richer when shared, people have the chance to rejoice with you, console you or encourage you to keep trying. So there it is: I'm attempting to go back to school for my Master's degree. And deadlines are l  o  o  m  i  n  g   in front of me. Letters of recommendation, writing samples, personal letters, transcripts, the list goes on and on. If I'm not careful, I find myself getting completely overwhelmed, both by the task of applying and by the unshakable feeling that my whole life is panning out before me.

Suddenly I see myself with a degree, then a PhD, then children, the a career. Suddenly I'm 45, then I'm 60...I feel like I need to have it all planned out, to know exactly what I want to do with my degree, when I want to have kid, how will we provide for them. My poor Tim has been subject to many an interrogation complete with tears and emotional breakdowns. Thank God for him, he has been so patient and supportive. It's amazing how discovering one thing about yourself, or even just the next step in your life can be utterly overwhelming, even if it's supposed to be a good thing.

I was chatting with the Muse (can I call her that?) or the Melancholic about this and she shared with me a mantra that has helped her throughout the last year.

Today. Just enough for today.

I cannot tell you how many times I say this to myself now. We should never expect ourselves to be capable of handling anything (or everything) beyond the present. When I'm enrolled with school, I'll be capable then of handling it. How can I expect myself to be ready to conquer my life in its entirety by the time I'm 26? It's ridiculous when you say it that way.

My other daily comfort? Orange Blossom Tea. Yum.

Feeling the Weather?

 I don't know if I react more than most to the weather or if because I delight in the feelings, I cultivate them. I love waking up with the anticipation and excitement of what the weather will be doing that day. I remember as a little girl j u m p i n g out of bed and racing to my window to see if it had snowed! 

I love the joy and light heartedness that comes with a fresh spring day, breaking through the cold with such determination and gentleness. I hunger for days that look miserable and pouty, so I can sit in a coffee shop or a warm window seat with a book, a fire, a cup of coffee, a journal or whatever other soulful endeavors I pursue that day.

 The thrill of windstorms, ice storms, rain deluges, thunderstorms...any kind of extreme weather really, sends the thrill of anticipation: how powerful will it be? Again, I remember racing out into the pasture and leaning into the wind to see how far I could lean into it before I would fall over. Giggling and laughing at the power of the weather. 

Photo by Mme. Bookling

I felt my spirits soar yesterday as I walked under the fall stricken branches of Sacramento. The air was fresh and clean (for once) and the smell of the rain still hung in the air. Even though the sun was shining, the promise of a crisp fall gave me hope. And I thought:

There's no explanation for why we respond to the weather. Regardless of what kind of weather people like, we all find ourselves reacting to it. Cheerfulness with sunshine, morosity with rain, soulfulness with gloom. 

There's really no logical reason that I can see that we would need to respond to the weather--that it should have any affect on our days. But it is magical to me. I love change. I love the dynamics. I, for one, am soo grateful that we do respond to weather. Life would be so much less rich without it.

In my Dreams...

I dreamt about you last night. You were so kind. Loving. You loved me. And you wouldn’t let my pain and hurt keep us from working through it and loving each other. I remember: you took me in your arms and said, “I’m not letting you put me out of your life. I love you.” And you held me. A myriad of emotions—all conflicted roiling inside.

I want you to love me; I want to hear that you actually do care. I wanted you to love me enough, but how can I forgive you? How can I let go of being so angry? How can I forgive when I have dealt day by day, hour by hour with what you have done to our family, and you (seemingly) have continued happily on? Do you even realize how changed we are because of you? Do you realize we have all but given up on institutionalized church because of you (maybe for the better)? Do you realize that I see the havoc you have wreaked on us on my husband’s face on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis? And I am helpless to help him. But I stand by him and support him, much like you should have. And how can I possibly desire your love when I want to hate you for what you’ve done to us?

I can still feel your arms around me, being the person you should’ve been. Why do I still feel so strongly? Why do I still hurt? And why, in God’s name, do I still have to see you in my dreams?

I read a blog recently, thanks to mme. bookling, that was so...poignant. Truthful. I'll share a tidbit here, but you all should enjoy it (here)

You will walk through those moments with as much grace as you will allow as your guide and a sense of adventure for your future and your path

for you see,

as much as it will burn and cause you to grit your teeth over the pain, it will bring joys bigger and wider than any you have ever experienced.

The cruelty you suffer at the hands of others

.

The slings and arrows of fortune, outrageous or otherwise

.

The moments of pouring sweat on a determine brow

.

.......

These are the moments that will give you a heart big enough to forgive your detractors, a soul wide enough to weather any storm and a constitution strong enough to climb anything you've set your goals upon....

And so I plod along, sweating, toiling through the mire of human relationships and telling myself that I am striving toward a bigger goal. One worth this fight, one that will deepen and grow me. One that will allow me to love and live as I never have before

Decisions, Questions and Answers

I've decided to go back to school. In some ways, it feels more like I have been released to go back to school, but I won't get into that. For the first few weeks, I excitedly searched the internet for schools, looked up degrees, met with my old professor and started a plan of attack for enrolling the fall of 2011. I had a plan, a destination and was planning a route to get there. Master's degree in 2 years, Doctorate degree in 4 (? hopefully), on to a teaching position at a university shortly after and intent on helping to guide the church through the beginnings of transition and change.

This weekend, I find myself suddenly doubtful. Who am I to think I can do all those things? What change can I affect on this world, on people or what's more, the church? And how am I supposed to address intangible as the church? And how could I possibly speak to an issue that is still so raw for me and that I haven't figured out for myself?

In addition to all of these questions, Tim and I have been talking a lot about where we see ourselves in the future with church, raising kids, etc. It's all been extremely....disorienting. I feel like so much of what I loved and held dear has been turned on it's ear and now I'm asking, "What does God really want for us? "What does God really want for us?” “What is God’s heart for the church?” and Where does he want to lead it? I suppose being a theologian does not mean having all the answers, but choosing to pursue them with integrity.

Just the same, I feel daunted, scared and a bit inadequate. I suppose all of that is natural and I should embrace my soul expressing itself through the process of transition.

Readers Beware: A Dark Post

A poison slipped in
In between rejection and rage, it slipped in
Biding its time
It felt like pain, like truth
And now it feels too late
Too late and I believe, and it courses through me
Not lovable
         Not worth it
                          Too much trouble
                                                      Not lovable enough
Poison greets my friends, creeps into my family
My husband's eyes are hazed with it
There is some small sanctuary in marriage, but outside doubt prevails
And the poison courses through
I feel us tearing our bodies to pieces, trying to rip it out
Why not lovable
             Why not worth it
                                     Why too much trouble

Why not lovable enough.

The Art of Losing

I have been surrounded with loss and death these last few months. My co-worker’s dad committed suicide. My other co-worker’s friend died in a car accident the day after her 21st birthday. My closest friend’s 5 year old nephew was hit by a car and died. One of my other friends shared recently that her and her husband have lost 18 people in the last 12 months, and it has so upset him that he is spending some time in a mental health care facility. Last night, Tim and I found out that his Oma passed away. And, of course, Tim lost our church and many of our close friends last month. Some of our friends that have decided to leave have lost that too. We lost faith in those people—in the church that we moved here to serve.

Closely related to the feeling of loss is loneliness. I am lonely for my family. I am lonely for the next step in our life. I am lonely at work. In these last few weeks, Tim’s schedule has changed to work nights, so I have been seeing him even less, and I think with that loss everything else comes more poignant.

I’m tired of losing. I’m tired of death. But with the sheer amount of both in my life I feel a strange sense of clarity, urgency. People die all the time. People that shouldn’t die. Things we love are stolen from us. Moments pass too quickly. And all this begs the inevitable question:

Am I living?

Am I as happy as I could be? Am I pursuing things that I care about? Am I investing in things that matter? 

Undefinable Weights

I suppose we all have those times when we wake up in the morning struck by an unexplainable heaviness. A weight that feels almost tangible.

Granted this has been a strange few months for me. It has been so bizarre how much the incident with our previous church has affected me. I find myself growing impatient about how it still hasn't passed. How grieved I still feel. How unexpectedly so many people were ripped out of my life. And how even in anger and grief, I still care about them. I'm concerned with how they're doing, I still believe that they're good people. Maybe that in itself is the most painful. What was so wrong with us that they couldn't stand to have us in their lives any more? You can say as much as you want, "it's me not you" but when has that ever lessened anyone's pain? When has that ever actually meant that you were not part of the equation?

I think I also still feel myself spinning, and frustrated again that that doesn't seem to have settled yet. I know the phrase "the rug pulled out from under you" is overused, but I can't think of a better metaphor to describe the emotional and spiritual vertigo I feel. What does God have for us next? How long will we tread water in Sacramento? Or are we here to stay for awhile?

Honestly, I think that is part of the heaviness I feel: a need to have more purpose or at least the fulfillment that comes with being dedicated to where you are and what you're doing. Perhaps some parts of enjoying the journey of life is feeling the heaviness of the need to be intentional. Or perhaps the heaviness is the soul screaming for the need to intentionally find something fulfilling. Amidst the muck and fog of life, I stir.

N.T. Wrights on my Soul

This is not a task Simply for a few backroom specialists. If church leaders themselves spent more time studying and teaching Jesus and the Gospels, a good many of other things we worry about in day-to-day church life would be seen in their proper light. It has far too often been assumed that church leaders stand above the nitty-gritty of biblical and theological study; they have done all that, we implicitly suppose, before they come to office, and now they simply have to work out the "implications." They then find themselves spending countless hours at their desks running the church as a business, raising money or working at dozens of other tasks, rather than poring over their foundation documents and enquiring ever more closely about the Jesus whom they are supposed to be following and teaching others to follow. I believe, to the contrary, that each generation has to wrestle afresh with the question of Jesus, not least its biblical roots if it is to be truly church at all--not that we should engage in abstract dogmatics to the detriment of our engagement with the world, but that we should discover more and more of who Jesus was and is, precisely in order to e equipped to engage with the world that he came to save. And this is a task for the whole church, especially those appointed to leadership and teaching roles within it.
--N.T. Wright, The Challenge of Jesus


I'm not sure exactly how to follow that except perhaps, amen and amen. I suppose I am in church leadership, but I think I would more easily identify with being the wife of a husband who is in church leadership. And that is something quite different entirely. It is perhaps, easier to have opinions & observe closely, but still maintain a position on the perimeter. It is much to easy to be involved but not involved. This last year has been eye opening, challenging, frustrating and rewarding. It's just too easy, I think, for humans to get involved and muck everything up. I don't approve of the other's expectations for me, she perceives the church is headed the wrong direction, the order of the service has not been properly planned, he spoke out of turn, I didn't agree with this particular sermon. And on and on it goes. 


I'm sick of church politics. I'm tired of the business. 


What I am not tired of is being with the people at church. Challenging and encouraging each other. Being with people who remind me, just by being who they are, that there is much to strive for in life, there is a deeper relationship to be had, there is always Someone who is in control. There is always love.


I think Wright really brings us around and redefines our perspective when he exhorts us to investigate Christ. ALL of us. How better to follow Christ than to journey together, to discover and learn together? When all of who we are, our life, our theology, our relationships, and our church are Christ-centered, we are closest to being the creatures God created us to be. We can be on the same path together, headed the same direction, and it can look different for each and every person. We can do church, and, in my dreams, lose the business of it. 


Amen and Amen?

The Truth about Being Poor

It seems to me that I am always encouraged to have and pursue my dreams. Live Life! people say. You're so young! You can do anything!! But here's my question:

How do I "live life" when I have to live my life at work, investing in things I've no natural proclivity to care about? What is the point of having dreams if they only point to the fact that I can't pursue them?

And this has brought me to a new place. Why did God have such a heart for the poor? I'm thinking it's because the poor have no freedom. They never have the choice to run off and pursue their dreams. They don't have time to do the things that really fulfill their souls. The poor have to figure out where the money is going to come from to pay for groceries that week, or rent, or electricity, or for many, simply food.

I beseech you not to think I have placed myself too closely to the poor in our world. I know I have much to be thankful for. But changing circumstances always bring new insights and perspectives and these are mine.

Something New...

I've started a new blog! I figured since I couldn't stop talking about gardening, all my ideas, projects and things that are growing, I'd spare my friends and take it out on the computer.

satisfyingthesoul.blogspot.com