Stolen Mantras and Orange Blossom Tea

I haven't been overly vocal about a decision I've made recently. ... or maybe I have. I've decided to throw my name into the pot and try my luck at going back to school. I am so entirely thrilled at this prospect, I want to tell everyone I know. But I feel fear lurking in the shadows, asking me, "What if you don't make it???" Perhaps it's better not to tell, to keep a potential rejection to myself.

But I believe life is richer when shared, people have the chance to rejoice with you, console you or encourage you to keep trying. So there it is: I'm attempting to go back to school for my Master's degree. And deadlines are l  o  o  m  i  n  g   in front of me. Letters of recommendation, writing samples, personal letters, transcripts, the list goes on and on. If I'm not careful, I find myself getting completely overwhelmed, both by the task of applying and by the unshakable feeling that my whole life is panning out before me.

Suddenly I see myself with a degree, then a PhD, then children, the a career. Suddenly I'm 45, then I'm 60...I feel like I need to have it all planned out, to know exactly what I want to do with my degree, when I want to have kid, how will we provide for them. My poor Tim has been subject to many an interrogation complete with tears and emotional breakdowns. Thank God for him, he has been so patient and supportive. It's amazing how discovering one thing about yourself, or even just the next step in your life can be utterly overwhelming, even if it's supposed to be a good thing.

I was chatting with the Muse (can I call her that?) or the Melancholic about this and she shared with me a mantra that has helped her throughout the last year.

Today. Just enough for today.

I cannot tell you how many times I say this to myself now. We should never expect ourselves to be capable of handling anything (or everything) beyond the present. When I'm enrolled with school, I'll be capable then of handling it. How can I expect myself to be ready to conquer my life in its entirety by the time I'm 26? It's ridiculous when you say it that way.

My other daily comfort? Orange Blossom Tea. Yum.