Feeling the Weather?

 I don't know if I react more than most to the weather or if because I delight in the feelings, I cultivate them. I love waking up with the anticipation and excitement of what the weather will be doing that day. I remember as a little girl j u m p i n g out of bed and racing to my window to see if it had snowed! 

I love the joy and light heartedness that comes with a fresh spring day, breaking through the cold with such determination and gentleness. I hunger for days that look miserable and pouty, so I can sit in a coffee shop or a warm window seat with a book, a fire, a cup of coffee, a journal or whatever other soulful endeavors I pursue that day.

 The thrill of windstorms, ice storms, rain deluges, thunderstorms...any kind of extreme weather really, sends the thrill of anticipation: how powerful will it be? Again, I remember racing out into the pasture and leaning into the wind to see how far I could lean into it before I would fall over. Giggling and laughing at the power of the weather. 

Photo by Mme. Bookling

I felt my spirits soar yesterday as I walked under the fall stricken branches of Sacramento. The air was fresh and clean (for once) and the smell of the rain still hung in the air. Even though the sun was shining, the promise of a crisp fall gave me hope. And I thought:

There's no explanation for why we respond to the weather. Regardless of what kind of weather people like, we all find ourselves reacting to it. Cheerfulness with sunshine, morosity with rain, soulfulness with gloom. 

There's really no logical reason that I can see that we would need to respond to the weather--that it should have any affect on our days. But it is magical to me. I love change. I love the dynamics. I, for one, am soo grateful that we do respond to weather. Life would be so much less rich without it.

In my Dreams...

I dreamt about you last night. You were so kind. Loving. You loved me. And you wouldn’t let my pain and hurt keep us from working through it and loving each other. I remember: you took me in your arms and said, “I’m not letting you put me out of your life. I love you.” And you held me. A myriad of emotions—all conflicted roiling inside.

I want you to love me; I want to hear that you actually do care. I wanted you to love me enough, but how can I forgive you? How can I let go of being so angry? How can I forgive when I have dealt day by day, hour by hour with what you have done to our family, and you (seemingly) have continued happily on? Do you even realize how changed we are because of you? Do you realize we have all but given up on institutionalized church because of you (maybe for the better)? Do you realize that I see the havoc you have wreaked on us on my husband’s face on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis? And I am helpless to help him. But I stand by him and support him, much like you should have. And how can I possibly desire your love when I want to hate you for what you’ve done to us?

I can still feel your arms around me, being the person you should’ve been. Why do I still feel so strongly? Why do I still hurt? And why, in God’s name, do I still have to see you in my dreams?

I read a blog recently, thanks to mme. bookling, that was so...poignant. Truthful. I'll share a tidbit here, but you all should enjoy it (here)

You will walk through those moments with as much grace as you will allow as your guide and a sense of adventure for your future and your path

for you see,

as much as it will burn and cause you to grit your teeth over the pain, it will bring joys bigger and wider than any you have ever experienced.

The cruelty you suffer at the hands of others

.

The slings and arrows of fortune, outrageous or otherwise

.

The moments of pouring sweat on a determine brow

.

.......

These are the moments that will give you a heart big enough to forgive your detractors, a soul wide enough to weather any storm and a constitution strong enough to climb anything you've set your goals upon....

And so I plod along, sweating, toiling through the mire of human relationships and telling myself that I am striving toward a bigger goal. One worth this fight, one that will deepen and grow me. One that will allow me to love and live as I never have before

Decisions, Questions and Answers

I've decided to go back to school. In some ways, it feels more like I have been released to go back to school, but I won't get into that. For the first few weeks, I excitedly searched the internet for schools, looked up degrees, met with my old professor and started a plan of attack for enrolling the fall of 2011. I had a plan, a destination and was planning a route to get there. Master's degree in 2 years, Doctorate degree in 4 (? hopefully), on to a teaching position at a university shortly after and intent on helping to guide the church through the beginnings of transition and change.

This weekend, I find myself suddenly doubtful. Who am I to think I can do all those things? What change can I affect on this world, on people or what's more, the church? And how am I supposed to address intangible as the church? And how could I possibly speak to an issue that is still so raw for me and that I haven't figured out for myself?

In addition to all of these questions, Tim and I have been talking a lot about where we see ourselves in the future with church, raising kids, etc. It's all been extremely....disorienting. I feel like so much of what I loved and held dear has been turned on it's ear and now I'm asking, "What does God really want for us? "What does God really want for us?” “What is God’s heart for the church?” and Where does he want to lead it? I suppose being a theologian does not mean having all the answers, but choosing to pursue them with integrity.

Just the same, I feel daunted, scared and a bit inadequate. I suppose all of that is natural and I should embrace my soul expressing itself through the process of transition.