In my Dreams...

I dreamt about you last night. You were so kind. Loving. You loved me. And you wouldn’t let my pain and hurt keep us from working through it and loving each other. I remember: you took me in your arms and said, “I’m not letting you put me out of your life. I love you.” And you held me. A myriad of emotions—all conflicted roiling inside.

I want you to love me; I want to hear that you actually do care. I wanted you to love me enough, but how can I forgive you? How can I let go of being so angry? How can I forgive when I have dealt day by day, hour by hour with what you have done to our family, and you (seemingly) have continued happily on? Do you even realize how changed we are because of you? Do you realize we have all but given up on institutionalized church because of you (maybe for the better)? Do you realize that I see the havoc you have wreaked on us on my husband’s face on a weekly (sometimes daily) basis? And I am helpless to help him. But I stand by him and support him, much like you should have. And how can I possibly desire your love when I want to hate you for what you’ve done to us?

I can still feel your arms around me, being the person you should’ve been. Why do I still feel so strongly? Why do I still hurt? And why, in God’s name, do I still have to see you in my dreams?

I read a blog recently, thanks to mme. bookling, that was so...poignant. Truthful. I'll share a tidbit here, but you all should enjoy it (here)

You will walk through those moments with as much grace as you will allow as your guide and a sense of adventure for your future and your path

for you see,

as much as it will burn and cause you to grit your teeth over the pain, it will bring joys bigger and wider than any you have ever experienced.

The cruelty you suffer at the hands of others

.

The slings and arrows of fortune, outrageous or otherwise

.

The moments of pouring sweat on a determine brow

.

.......

These are the moments that will give you a heart big enough to forgive your detractors, a soul wide enough to weather any storm and a constitution strong enough to climb anything you've set your goals upon....

And so I plod along, sweating, toiling through the mire of human relationships and telling myself that I am striving toward a bigger goal. One worth this fight, one that will deepen and grow me. One that will allow me to love and live as I never have before