As I lay in bed last night, I whispered to Tim, “When you think about dying, doesn’t it seem strange that we still spend every day just waiting for time to pass? For the day to be over?”
This thought is lingering with me today. Not that I hate my job, or the people I work with or despise what I do, but I’m by no means excited by what I do each day. And I do spend the day watching the clock, breathing for it to be 4:30. And yet, I am horrified at how quickly my life is flying by me. I know that before I know it, I will have kids, grandkids, retire, get aches. I make my life a contradiction! I resent the days passing slowly and then complain that the year is already over. What’s the solution to this madness?
Part of me thinks that this is part of the human plight. To age. To work. And these aren’t necessarily bad things, but our death looms ever closer to us and threatens to steal the time and dreams of what could have been.
And part of me thinks these sad feelings are my own fault. I should take control of my life! I should pursue my dreams and do things that I love. Things that make me feel alive!
I think this is the conclusion I will rest in for now (heaven forbid I ever commit to anything): we are responsible to pursue and invest in things that make us who we are, that make us feel alive and excited to live. But we must also be emotionally prepared for the times that life intervenes and prevents us from doing what we would choose. Sometimes we must work. Sometimes we must make the best of our circumstances.
JRM
Disagree? What about the people who must spend every moment looking for food and have no time even to know what makes them feel alive? Only time to stay alive.
Love the theme of this post. I am realizing this about my life...just the other day I was thinking about how when I was a kid, life seemed to take forever. It seemed like decades between Christmases, now they fly by without me even knowing. I often wish I was still a child and Christmas seemed years away, the anticipation building, the excitement and joy...
ReplyDeleteI agree, find time to do the things that feed your soul. It's so hard sometimes, we feel so 'busy' this day in age. I need to stop and think about what is important...and unfortunately for my boss, work is at the bottom of my list!
You thought of me because you wrote a blog about death? ;) JK.
ReplyDeleteWell, it's something I always grapple with...we all die. We WILL die. I WILL DIE (I say these things often least I begin to take things for granted). I actually really like FEELING this reality because to me, there is almost nothing worse in life than the feeling of being blind-sighted by the most obvious realities of humanity. I hate it. I also have this disease where I like to be overly-prepared for just about anything, so I often jump way too far forward in anticipation. It kind of reminds me of marriage. It's the most amazing thing ever, but it happens every day of your life and eventually becomes as second-nature as breathing...but if we cannot live in the perspective that IT WILL END (whether by misfortune, pain, or death), we will simply exist as zombies. The universe has made it acutely clear that this oblivion is not something I am capable of.
But death, death is so unknown because we have no idea when it will happen and so I really feel there is little point in having a "before I die" list...(but you might look down on this defeatist/pacific attitude, which is fine. some people are fighters, others are not...I am not really one to buy into the whole "go after your dreams while you still have time, damn it!" but am more a "whatever happens is exactly what was supposed to happen to me" if i am true to the desires of my soul (or that god placed in you, whatever you believe). Anyway, I guess I am coming to the point where I view death as naturally as I would childbirth or an once-in-a-lifetime trip to France or any other major milestone. And just like you can never be FULLY ready for any of these occasions, you can NEVER be fully ready for death...you won't ever be able to do ALL you want to do (the longer we live, the longer our list gets anyway)...but I find that life is so absurd, we all sit on this bus commuting to work and our hair grows and we continue to cut it until it eventually falls out and our bodies decay from the very day we cry out to our mothers for food. I used to find it really defeating (and in my darkest depressions, still often do), but now mainly I chuckle and find it ridiculous; I find it magical. Depending on the day.
I don't think that truly asking yourself "What's the point?" and not coming up with an answer is sad. It's not sad at all to me. It just is. Just because you ask the question doesn't mean you are depressed or need to find meaning in a career...well, not necessarily anyway. Unless, of course...that's exactly what you are. ;)
also, i hate scare tactics. if someone says that i need to hurry up and have a baby because who knows if i will be able to get pregnant or that i will be high-risk at 35, I want to shut down. The same applies for death...if someone says, "Use your time! It's fleeting!" I want to flip them off. Don't scare me into living...fear is just not good for my soul.
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