Tart, vodka-y lemon drops have got to be the best thing in the world. They have carried me through countless nights of social anxiety, depression, celebration, and reflection. Tonight I sip one to cope. That's a word we use at work to describe how "our kids" (clients) learn socially appropriate behavior to handle how their differently wired brains respond to difficult situations. ...I find I have much in common with them.
A new year is classically supposed to feel like a fresh slate. We make new resolutions, leave behind our old unfulfilled ones and move on with the hope of the next year bringing x. This year, Tim and I had the lofty goal of being happier. As soon as he wrote it in his new blue journal, I almost teared up. How honest of us. And how sad. Let's be honest. 2010 has been a bitch. Am I right? You have had your children die, your husbands leave you, our friends betrayed us, we were all poor (I think)...am I missing anything? And for what? I asked myself. Good riddance 2010. I've never been happier to see a year in my rear view mirror.
Another sip of my lemon drop and I'm on to bigger (albeit more depressing) questions. Tim and I were musing about the world's population growing so large, and we jokingly were saying, "and another person was just born....and someone died...and someone else was just born...and someone just died." And it seemed so asinine that there are that many people in this world. Yet those births and deaths are just numbers to me--statistics. And to 99% of the world, I'm just a number. So in the grand scheme of things, we are all just being born and dying all the time. And what are we doing with our lives??? We are working at jobs to save for retirement so that we can decay in peace. OR we are spending every waking moment looking for food. OR we are running from corruption, violence, and who knows what else. And all for what???
Anecdote: When I was about 15, I attended a conference called DYC (District Youth Conference). Thousands of kids listened to sermons about witnessing to the lost and sang passionate love songs to God. And then! We all practiced what we learned and went out street witnessing to the poor general public (I say poor because I'm sorry they had to endure it). I don't remember much of it except one exchange. I walked up to a homeless woman to share with her the "salvation message". She looked at me and said, "Tell me. What is the point of life? Why are we here" and I remember, so distinctly, feeling the passion in my little heart and my eyes filling up with tears answering her, "to bring glory to God". I knew that was the answer, and I felt it so acutely. Her response was less than encouraging.
And now I find myself asking the same question: Why are we here? To experience love? To learn how much we need God? To experience relationship with Him? To learn how much it sucks to be human? To feel need? And I'm not just asking tritely. I'm not asking because I have an answer I'm waiting to share. Why are we here? I don't believe it's to find salvation. But I'm happy to be argued with...as always. (Sidenote: have you noticed how so many people don't like to be argued with? They don't enjoy the discussion I suppose. I love it; I think it promotes truth, journeying and relationship. Soapbox finished.)
Well, lemon drop is almost done and so are my thoughts. On to pour over my writing sample for grad school. Can I just say that I am soooo done with this corporate bull@$&*?? I don't thrive here. Suppose I should knit tightly with Musing's musings. :)
Thoughts??
Kelly cancer. Gomes dying. Niki's cousin committing suicide.
ReplyDeleteWhen you mentioned Tim's journal, I got a bit teary eyed. It's so strange about "being happy" as a goal, though...don't you think? We cannot control our legitimately sad circumstances...but I suppose all we can do is be deeply loyal to our loved ones, our own souls, and decided that even if we don't FEEL happy...we will pursue clarity, direction, soul, and a life that is rich with authentic contentment.
The point...I don't know, maybe searching so hard for the point is missing the point. Perhaps pleasure, wine, love, magic, fabulous shoes, passionate kisses, fat babies, meditation, literature, paintings, mom's meatloaf, pedicures, paris...perhaps these are the point. If there IS something other, I figure I trust the universal other (some call it God) to guide me there organically and in his/her/its own time.
Julie,
ReplyDeleteLately I've been thinking a lot about happiness and the "meaning of life," as it were. A while ago, I felt myself become stagnant. I was just living the days as they came, not really doing anything except work and sleep. I was growing bitter, my interactions with people were stale, and I found myself being oddly frustrated by the most minuscule things. Then one day, I was sitting and thinking...
This is the only life I'm ever going to live. It feels strange that it will not last forever. How meaningless it will be if I don't enjoy it! That's not even necessarily to say that I should "use" it or be "productive" with it. But to enjoy it--I feel like that is the least I should do.
I am about to sound cheesy, but I promise that I'm being completely honest:
I find that joy in loving other people. Truly!
There's a homeless guy who comes into Starbucks often and lies to us, saying he got a beverage that was made wrong and he wants us to "make it again." He swindles us out of coffee, all the time. I used to bitterly make a mediocre drink for him and give him a disapproving look at the handoff plane, but one night I noticed his eye twinkle as I handed him his drink. He was so excited to get a latte, I could tell it was going to make his day. I couldn't help but feel the Holy Spirit say, "I love him." It was so humbling.
Since then, I look for the twinkle in people. The thing that keeps THEM going on days when they are feeling like you are feeling now. To give them that moment, to do everything I can to assure their happiness, it truly brightens my days and makes ME a happier person. Being nice to people when I'm inclined to write them off changes everything about my mood, my life.
I guess all that is to say that I truly believe that our purpose in life is to love.
I'm reading a book by Nikos Kazantzakis and he states that when he was young he had lofty ideals of changing the world by "tilling the soil by pawing the earth" but later in life he learned that instead he was in fact only pawing at the air. If you've seen a horse do this, than you know what he's talking about. How tightly will we cling to our temporary ideals? How convinced are we that the real point of life is to "worship the supreme being" or "love people" or "just be a good person" or "eat, drink, and be merry"? Are we willing to die for these things? How about in 10 years when the sh*t hits the fan and close friends turn out to be enemies? I am CONVINCED that there are very few truths in life that all existence hinges upon. However, they are there. And I believe in Christ's words when he said, "when you search for me, you will find me." To me, the SEARCH for truth and God is WAY more essential than "having a truth" that you overheard someone say once. Just my two cents. I could be wrong. ;) Love you, Joules.
ReplyDeleteI want to take 2010, wrap it up in a little box and drop kick it in to outerspace.
ReplyDeleteLosing my Grandma and Uncle in January, Carter in June along with the church, my house in December, *other family tragedies*...it's been a tough year.
There's so much more in my head than I'm willing to let trickle out onto this post right now...but I hear you. And I have felt these things you write about.
All such poignant sentiments. And as far as writing "Be Happier" as a goal...I suppose we didn't write it as a goal that we would write a 5-step plan to achieve. More of a hope that the stars would align and be kinder to us in 2011, that our perspectives, self-care, friends and "x" would cause us to feel more...whole I suppose. Content...happier.
ReplyDeleteI believe in all the little things; I truly believe in our existence being about love; I resonate with the sentiment of journeying. But in quiet moments when I'm alone, I sometimes feel that niggling asking me why I'm here. Why is anyone here? Why love if, at it's greatest, it's just circular?
Then I came home and Timmy walked in with a bouquet of the most stunning flower I've seen in a long time. And I felt alive.