Blogging through Grief

Honestly, it may be better for the few of you who read this blog, to just catch up with me in a few months, years, ? when I'm not processing so many dark and heavy feelings. I have to say though, taking a few moments every few weeks or so has been really helpful for me. There is some feeling of community in sharing your thoughts. Anywhoo....

Tim and I went to San Luis Obispo this last weekend for a belated Turkey Day visit. It was really nice. We got to play with baby Grace and spend some good ole fashioned quality time together. Josh and Kat had rented out their home, so all of us kids bunked up at the parents' house. Made for a full (but very fun) weekend!

On Sunday, Tim and I joined the family at his dad's church. Tom didn't preach but the old feeling of attending a family church came back. I remembered how church used to feel like family. How it used to be such a safe place. A place I not only met with God, but knew I was supported. A place that was so much my extended family. This was my dad's church for me all growing up. That small church in Maple Valley, WA raised me right alongside my parents.

As I stood in that building last Sunday, however, all I could hear was a voice asking Why am I not good enough for this? Why don't I belong here? What was so wrong with me that I had to get kicked out? And that was about it for me for the service. I lost it. Completely. Tim's mom wrapped her arms around me and held me the way only mom's can. And I knew she was praying for me and my heart. My hurt.

It's so easy to say to myself and to "know" that it had nothing to do with me (kind of). That there's nothing wrong with me. But on some level, I do believe it. My aching heart believes that in their eyes, there was something wrong with me. I didn't fit with them. That rescue boat rescued me right overboard. And I suppose that's what hurts still. I know that there's nothing wrong with me per se. But it hurts that they think that there is. It's funny to me how much this whole situation has been like a death, like a break up, like a divorce, a slap in the face, a humiliation.

And not to be a scrooge, but I find myself having a hard time with the holidays this year. I tried to psyche myself up for it earlier (see previous post), but for some reason it's not hanging with me. I don't know if it's not having a plan for where we're going, the fallish weather, being stressed/excited about grad school or just not having the emotional energy and gumption to fall in love with Christmas this year. For someone who usually resembles "Buddy" in my excitement for the holidays, it is a strange and surreal feeling. And while I am tenderly hoping that my spirit will come into itself still this season, I think I'm allowing myself to just be a bit of a grinch. Not a lot, just a little :)