 I have been surrounded with loss and death these last few months. My co-worker’s dad committed suicide. My other co-worker’s friend died in a car accident the day after her 21st birthday. My closest friend’s 5 year old nephew was hit by a car and died. One of my other friends shared recently that her and her husband have lost 18 people in the last 12 months, and it has so upset him that he is spending some time in a mental health care facility. Last night, Tim and I found out that his Oma passed away. And, of course, Tim lost our church and many of our close friends last month. Some of our friends that have decided to leave have lost that too. We lost faith in those people—in the church that we moved here to serve. |
Closely related to the feeling of loss is loneliness. I am lonely for my family. I am lonely for the next step in our life. I am lonely at work. In these last few weeks, Tim’s schedule has changed to work nights, so I have been seeing him even less, and I think with that loss everything else comes more poignant.
I’m tired of losing. I’m tired of death. But with the sheer amount of both in my life I feel a strange sense of clarity, urgency. People die all the time. People that shouldn’t die. Things we love are stolen from us. Moments pass too quickly. And all this begs the inevitable question:
Am I living?
Am I as happy as I could be? Am I pursuing things that I care about? Am I investing in things that matter?
Oh no, I am so sorry sister. Big hug soon!
ReplyDeleteThis has been a theme in my life lately--that you only live once.
ReplyDeleteIt's such a cliche, we hear it all the time. But for some reason we don't actually feel the reality of it all the time. Somewhere in my subconscious, I always feel like I'm going to have another chance. But I'm not--nobody is. So I've been trying to ask myself lately. Am I spending this moment the way I want to be spending it? Because I'm not getting it back.
I don't know if that's exactly where you were going with that... but it's what this made me think of.