Granted this has been a strange few months for me. It has been so bizarre how much the incident with our previous church has affected me. I find myself growing impatient about how it still hasn't passed. How grieved I still feel. How unexpectedly so many people were ripped out of my life. And how even in anger and grief, I still care about them. I'm concerned with how they're doing, I still believe that they're good people. Maybe that in itself is the most painful. What was so wrong with us that they couldn't stand to have us in their lives any more? You can say as much as you want, "it's me not you" but when has that ever lessened anyone's pain? When has that ever actually meant that you were not part of the equation?
I think I also still feel myself spinning, and frustrated again that that doesn't seem to have settled yet. I know the phrase "the rug pulled out from under you" is overused, but I can't think of a better metaphor to describe the emotional and spiritual vertigo I feel. What does God have for us next? How long will we tread water in Sacramento? Or are we here to stay for awhile?
Honestly, I think that is part of the heaviness I feel: a need to have more purpose or at least the fulfillment that comes with being dedicated to where you are and what you're doing. Perhaps some parts of enjoying the journey of life is feeling the heaviness of the need to be intentional. Or perhaps the heaviness is the soul screaming for the need to intentionally find something fulfilling. Amidst the muck and fog of life, I stir.
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