Questions

   Today was one of those days. My alarm went off at the proper time; the only problem was it decided not to make any noise. On my frenzied way out the door, the only thing I managed to grab for breakfast slipped out of my hands and bruised its little pear body all across my basement floor. "This is going to be a great day." On and on it went, just barely missing the most important part of a lecture because I was late for class, feeling directionless over a potentially fantastic opportunity to do a directed study, feeling totally indecisive about classes to choose for this fall, being told I should probably retake the GRE because my scores just aren't quite strong enough and finally, after having a pathetic but much needed little cry in a bathroom stall going to treat myself to a TWIX bar only to have the vending machine clog, only to finally get it only for it to be melted and rehardened and gross. YES. awesome day. Felt like it was straight out of a movie. "Martini s'il vous plait!"

Sometimes at Duke it feels like I am the only one questioning the validity and acceptability of denominations, the purpose of the church, it's current role in America, the institutionalization of the Church, the fact that we are paying our spiritual leaders. My classmates seem to walk around me nodding their heads and funneling toward the same common goal: protect and further the Kingdom, serve the Church and others. I certainly don't wish to patronize what they are doing or imply that any of them do it light heartedly or without thought--they are at Duke for fuck's sake. BUT. Why aren't these questions even being hinted at? Am I in all the wrong classes? Am I behind the learning curve or ahead of it? Have I become a crazy? Well, I suppose anything is possible, but here's the honest truth (please be kind): 2ish years ago Tim and I left the church we were attending (left is putting it kindly). We have not been regular attenders since. And do you know what? I DON'T MISS IT. I do NOT find that that is the only place to find meaningful relationships. I do NOT find that it is the only place to be instructed about the Word and about God. I do NOT accept that it is naturally indicative of my relationship with God or my belief in God. (And why is it at so many churches when they say they've missed you or ask how you've been there is this implied opinion about your attendance? How many people do or do not attend because of this guilt?) The only thing I can't seem to shake is the Eucharist. Somehow and for some reason I cannot explain this moves me. I find affirmation here. And I hope you will be gentle with me as I journey through this. Perhaps I will find my way back to a Church in the future. Perhaps I will come to a deeper understanding and appreciation of its role and importance. But for now, I'm really struggling with it. But perhaps also you might find some solidarity with my raw questions. Please don't hear me challenging your experience or your particular church--these are questions from my own journey. So I guess, take it as you will. (Sorry for the huge disclaimer). So I'm not sure what to do with this as a Christian, as an aspiring theologian and as a teacher.

A wise and compassionate friend rescued me from some of these thoughts today and took me for a walk in Duke gardens (which can I just say is one of my very favorite things about this school. Amazing landscaping, interesting plants, intimate walkways and hidden benches just steps away from me). I opened up, risked all and told her all of my anguish, questionings, feeling crazy. She listened oh so supportively and said, "You know Julie, the professors that were mentors to me and impressed me most did not have it all figured out. They did not have neat little quaint faiths. They were kind of cynical, challenging, and messy. One of the things I've realized as I get older is that my faith used to be a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle. Now maybe it's a 1000 piece puzzle. There are lots of little pieces. It's confusing how it all fits together, it doesn't always make sense and it's messy. But you are engaging it." It just consoled me a bit and also reminded me that I don't do much in life half-heartedly. I wrestle with things. I need to figure them out for myself. WHY does 5 times 5 equal 25? Why am I supposed to love God? Who says that Christians know the best way to live? Who says that God has an opinion on my life sheerly because one way is "right" and the other is "wrong"? Maybe God only cares because God experiences life with us and what affects us God allows to affect God's self?

I'm sorry if my questions offend, scare you or cause you to fear for  my salvation. I guess the only assurance I will make is that I do not wrestle lightly or without a prayer that God will save my soul someday...prevent me from harming others with my own life thoughts. But if you don't live honestly, if you don't engage your own fears and raw questions, what kind of life is that anyway? Definitely not one I will have. For now, I think God cares about me, I think there is some longevity there. I think God likes love. I think life should be lived on a trajectory towards love...toward life--things and people that bring us to life and are life-enriching. For now, I think it's a lot less about the little things and more about ... love. Sounds so trite and simple. But I think it's quite big.

That's all for now. Cheers

I'm Addicted

    I think I'm addicted to learning. I love trying new foods, cooking new things. I love hearing how someone else thinks. I seeing things from a different perspective. I love the tingle my brain gets when I finally catch on to something brilliant someone is saying. And not to be smooshy, but I love learning new ways to love my husband. I love listening to new music. I could go on. I don't have any brilliant insights or points about that, I guess. I have been loving that about Duke. Being exposed to crazy students, brilliant students, professors who are brilliant but chill and reading a shit ton of things inevitably means you learn something I guess. (I'm listening to my husband play and sing right now...ah, glass of wine, cream cheese stuffed baked chicken, playful dogs...tonight is euphoric).
   Not to change the subject too abruptly, but the last few weeks have actually been a little tough for me. In the odd moments I wonder, what the hell am I doing here? Is it worth thousands of dollars for me to be in this class? How are the financial decisions I'm making now going to affect our future plans? What about kids? What about leaving the country? What about ... What if I get my Masters and realize I don't want to teach? Does it matter that I don't always feel "spiritual" or moved by what I'm learning??? Is it bad that sometimes I'm just objectively interested? I'm curious about how people piece together what they believe. What if I don't have enough of the "Jesus relationship" to support a lifelong career in theology? What if at some point I just don't care and don't want to talk about all the heady spiritual things anymore?
   I have no idea how it came up, but the other night as we were drifting off to sleep Tim said, "You know, even if you don't do a career with this, just that fact that you have "mastered" something is remarkable." Apparently, it was quite a relief because I burst into tears. Geez louise, I have a fantastic husband. (Seriously, moving across the country, supporting us by working 50+ hours/week, and going a bazillion dollars into debt and he says, it's just impressive that you're doing this. Wow.)
   SO I married up for sure, but I guess the point I'm getting at is sometimes I think we just need permission to change our minds, to change period. Maybe I won't be a teaching theologian, maybe I'll teach drama or P.E. or maybe I'll just be a mom. It's just nice not to be pressured. It's nice to be at Duke because I like it and I like what I'm learning and not because I have to do something afterward. I think it released me from pressuring myself into not enjoying being here. Or pressuring myself into being in a profession I don't want to be in. Not saying that I don't want to teach, but what if? You get the idea.
   More stream of consciousness? okay. Today in class we talked about the history of sexuality and how much of how we interpret sexuality is really a product of our period of history (i.e. the term "heterosexual" did not exist until the 1900s). Before that sexuality was not a way that people "defined" themselves. I suppose it's way too much to sum up in a paragraph, but it was a way I had never thought about how we identify ourselves. Anywhoo... if you're curious send me an email.
   Sometimes I think some of the things we expend so much effort on really won't matter in the long run. I think we're just supposed to love each other.


 PS I looked up what the top 10 songs of my birth year were... and I totally kicked 1985's ass (Tim's birth year). I got Cindy Lauper "Time after Time," Madonna "Like a Virgin" WHAM! "Careless Whisper" U2 "In the name of love," Dan Hartman "I can Dream About You" oh yeah. Good year. :)

My Dream

I had one of those dreams last night that hangs with you throughout the day. It's mostly random and non-sensical, but some parts I found interesting.

I woke up late for class (ironic for a dream to begin with waking up, no?) and my big paper was due. I was so rushed and late and panicked. My paper wasn't printed out yet and class was already starting. I rushed around and jumped on my motorcycle to ride to school. I was watching myself ride, careening down the freeway and the brakes weren't working. Finally, I figured out that I had to push the down arrow key on the laptop do get the brakes to work. But too late! The bike fell over and the rider (me) flew off and skidded across the gravel. At this point I was the rider in person again. I lay on the ground looking out dimly at the gravel so close to my face and the freeway blurry in the background. Blackness started crowding in around the edges and I knew I was losing consciousness. I wondered if I would wake up again. I wondered if I did wake up again if it would be in this life or in some kind of afterlife. I hoped I would wake up at all. What was scary was oblivion.

A moment later I heard a stream of running water. Relief poured through me. I was not non-existent. I opened my eyes and there was a Native American Indian standing over me smiling. He was busy cooking. I guess he was God in my dream. He said his name was Hasmopeet, and when I asked what his name meant he told me cheerily that he had already told me that he won't tell me what his name means. And that it was only fair because I wouldn't tell him what my name meant.

The storyline of the dream here got a little confusing so I'll be brief. I'm not sure any more if it was still the afterlife or if I was really alive again. My friends, Rachel & Jeff were there cooking lunch for us. And suddenly I just knew I needed to mourn. Overwhelming grief consumed me and I burst out "I just need to cry! May I please have one of the dishes of coleslaw?" I took a small dish of coleslaw and began to weep and weep (while holding it). It was such mourning, such wrenching sorrow over something...past.

That was about the end of my dream as I remember it. That grief hung around me a lot today. Not sure what it was even about.

I dream so often. Tim never remembers his dreams. I find them fascinating. I guess I was hoping that in sharing the dream with all of you that I would, in some way, be released from it a bit.

I'm Angry at Time Today

I'm angry at time today
Why won't it just slow down?
Give me a second to catch up?
Why can't I just be peacefully sick without all the world pressing around me and on me
Can I just have a moment, to gather my thoughts
I'm feeling left behind, caught up, whipped around
I'm angry at time today
I wish it would just go away and leave me alone.

Tired of New

Tim and I have been living in Durham, North Carolina for just over a month now. We are settling in fine; I managed to put in a small garden before school started, and Tim started a new job this last week! My classes are amazing and extraordinarily intimidating. I think, albeit nervously, I am keeping my head above water thus far. Our new home is charming and full of old world charm (and old world rundown-ness in some parts). The backyard is amazing! We have put up a hammock and had a bonfire already. Big trees lean over the property and the wind ruffles the leaves so that it sounds a bit like running water. All of North Carolina, in fact, is amazingly green! In a lot of ways, it reminds me of Washington. All that green, the changing weather, the mix of deciduous and coniferous. The only thing missing is that fresh air. Ah, the air that sears into your lungs so deep you had almost forgotten you could breathe that deeply. But I digress, all in all, we're doing great here.

There is a however, however. I miss feeling comfortable. Not in the sense that I am continuously agitated. I miss feeling continuously comfortable. I miss knowing exactly where all the grocery stores are. I miss my friends who could understand and love me in every mood because that is one of the gifts time can bestow on relationship. I am tired of new.

I think time will cure that also, but for now I am just giving myself the space to say, I want everything to be known for a day. (Not to be God mind you, just known in the sense of familiar). Familiar in the sense that even if it's unexpected, it's unexpected in a familiar way.

Cheers

(On an unrelated note, I started a new blog-ironic no? It's mostly observations and papers from my experience at Duke. But if your curious it's here)

Diversity....A Decision? A Gift? A Journey?

Well. It's been a-while. Tim and I have journeyed across the country and are now settled in Durham, North Carolina. I start classes at Duke this coming Monday and am going through all of the nervousness, terror, thrill, euphoria of beginning this journey.

This last week, we were put through orientation. To orient us to the college, the community, the worship, the atmosphere of our new home. I have never been asked SO much "What denomination are you?" I feel like I don't even know how to answer that question. I want to say, "What denomination am I not?" but that feels ignorant. What are they getting at to ask that question? Do they want to know my theology? Do they want to know if I'm a true believer? It feels like it's meant to categorize us all away into all our niches. And I know I'm sounding horribly post-modern here. Forgive me. I guess I just don't understand the question. But. Here's what I've come to realize:

The culture of the south is "Christian". Anyone and everyone is christian. To ask what denomination someone is, is to ask "What's your background," "What history do you have," "What do you believe about x?" and sometimes "Are you really a Christian or just a christian?" and "Are you like me?" But is it so wrong to assume (or at least be okay with) everyone being "christian"? Is that such a fatal error?

I guess in some ways I can appreciate the question. It orients us to some degree, it sums up a little of our history and what we affiliate ourselves with. But in other ways, I feel like it just begins to divide us again into little camps. Here's us, there's you. But of course we are all different; even in the same denomination we are different. Is it necessary to divide it up all the way down? Maybe so. Maybe not. I'm journeying :)

One of the speeches in our orientation was on diversity. I was pleasantly surprised that it wasn't the cliche "Be nice to the differents" speech. The speaker wonderfully articulated how all of us, even in the littlest of ways, separate ourselves from the different. We say, "I know you think that, but unfortunately, it's wrong. And that thinking is weak. I could tear you apart up one side and down the other." And the speaker, Dr. Willie Jennings, said, "I urge you, beg you, when you are in these situations listen to the other person. Listen to what they say. Stop talking. Build community with people who are different from you. Seek out people who think differently." And I did feel challenged. I like people who are open minded, who think well, who don't define a religion by a prayer.

Anyway, we had a guest over the other night. And I have to say, I don't know when the last time I was challenged so much. I am learning to be comfortable simply not liking people. We all have differences; it's natural that we wouldn't all get along. But on the other hand, how am I doing at embracing diversity if I can't be around people who are SO different from me?

I find a war within myself (help me Candace): how do I balance not liking someone and not wanting to be around them at all and still being open to learn from those who are different from me and being willing to allow them to be themselves with me? How are we to embrace diversity and learn from those who are different from us if they are not returning the favor so to speak? If he who is different from us is so close-minded and judgmental about everything, how can he have the mindset to embrace diversity in me and learn from me? If it's not returned, if it's not mutual, does it become damaging to both parties? Or at least to one? Do we "embrace" them at arm's length and hold close those who understand us?

Ultimately, what do you do when you spend the entire night wanting to shout obscenities and drink copious amounts of alcohol just to cope with your company?

Who says a girl can't celebrate solo?

Well, I'll start off by saying that my husband threw me the most smashing surprise birthday party this last Thursday. Full of delicious wine, scrumptious chocolate and all my besties (minus Noah) popping out of closets and from behind chairs! AND all this was after the most romantic and special picnic dinner with my Tim. Could NOT have had a better birthday celebration. I felt loved and special and celebrated.

On my actual birthday, both Tim and I had to work. I taught a class in the morning and right as I was finishing, Tim had to go close the store. Kind of a bummer, but I came home and was SO proud of myself for thoroughly enjoying the afternoon by myself. I took great joy in just enjoying the liberty to do nothing. I sat in the sunshine, read magazines, watched an old Dorris Day movie (Calamity Jane). And THEN. I cooked myself the most amazing dinner. I had fire roasted artichoke, baked potatoe, corn on the cob and the most delicious rib eye steak with a touch of chevre seared on top. And yes, I BBQ-ed them all by myself! I lit candles, dimmed the lights and had the most romantic lovely dinner with myself. And the best part was, it wasn't sad at all. I was so content to sit there and reflect on my life: where I've been, where I'm going, how I'm feeling at this point, etc. It was nice! 

And then! My dad called and said he had sent me a link of a video to watch. It was a Happy Birthday Tribute to me! So I sat and ate my ribeye and watched my childhood flit across the scene. So many happy memories. So many happy experiences. SO much love. I was amazed. Not that I remembered my childhood any differently; it's just different to relive it. (And I felt SO special and loved the my dad had taken the time to put it together for me!) 

All that to say, I had the most wonderful birthday week! Full of love, friends, memories, food, gardening, teaching... all the best in life!!

So, albeit belated, I give you full permission to have a glass of (whatever you please!) in honor of happiness, celebration, and love!

And here's the link to the video for those of you who haven't seen it yet :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_vw4WfnQT9g