Questions

   Today was one of those days. My alarm went off at the proper time; the only problem was it decided not to make any noise. On my frenzied way out the door, the only thing I managed to grab for breakfast slipped out of my hands and bruised its little pear body all across my basement floor. "This is going to be a great day." On and on it went, just barely missing the most important part of a lecture because I was late for class, feeling directionless over a potentially fantastic opportunity to do a directed study, feeling totally indecisive about classes to choose for this fall, being told I should probably retake the GRE because my scores just aren't quite strong enough and finally, after having a pathetic but much needed little cry in a bathroom stall going to treat myself to a TWIX bar only to have the vending machine clog, only to finally get it only for it to be melted and rehardened and gross. YES. awesome day. Felt like it was straight out of a movie. "Martini s'il vous plait!"

Sometimes at Duke it feels like I am the only one questioning the validity and acceptability of denominations, the purpose of the church, it's current role in America, the institutionalization of the Church, the fact that we are paying our spiritual leaders. My classmates seem to walk around me nodding their heads and funneling toward the same common goal: protect and further the Kingdom, serve the Church and others. I certainly don't wish to patronize what they are doing or imply that any of them do it light heartedly or without thought--they are at Duke for fuck's sake. BUT. Why aren't these questions even being hinted at? Am I in all the wrong classes? Am I behind the learning curve or ahead of it? Have I become a crazy? Well, I suppose anything is possible, but here's the honest truth (please be kind): 2ish years ago Tim and I left the church we were attending (left is putting it kindly). We have not been regular attenders since. And do you know what? I DON'T MISS IT. I do NOT find that that is the only place to find meaningful relationships. I do NOT find that it is the only place to be instructed about the Word and about God. I do NOT accept that it is naturally indicative of my relationship with God or my belief in God. (And why is it at so many churches when they say they've missed you or ask how you've been there is this implied opinion about your attendance? How many people do or do not attend because of this guilt?) The only thing I can't seem to shake is the Eucharist. Somehow and for some reason I cannot explain this moves me. I find affirmation here. And I hope you will be gentle with me as I journey through this. Perhaps I will find my way back to a Church in the future. Perhaps I will come to a deeper understanding and appreciation of its role and importance. But for now, I'm really struggling with it. But perhaps also you might find some solidarity with my raw questions. Please don't hear me challenging your experience or your particular church--these are questions from my own journey. So I guess, take it as you will. (Sorry for the huge disclaimer). So I'm not sure what to do with this as a Christian, as an aspiring theologian and as a teacher.

A wise and compassionate friend rescued me from some of these thoughts today and took me for a walk in Duke gardens (which can I just say is one of my very favorite things about this school. Amazing landscaping, interesting plants, intimate walkways and hidden benches just steps away from me). I opened up, risked all and told her all of my anguish, questionings, feeling crazy. She listened oh so supportively and said, "You know Julie, the professors that were mentors to me and impressed me most did not have it all figured out. They did not have neat little quaint faiths. They were kind of cynical, challenging, and messy. One of the things I've realized as I get older is that my faith used to be a 100 piece jigsaw puzzle. Now maybe it's a 1000 piece puzzle. There are lots of little pieces. It's confusing how it all fits together, it doesn't always make sense and it's messy. But you are engaging it." It just consoled me a bit and also reminded me that I don't do much in life half-heartedly. I wrestle with things. I need to figure them out for myself. WHY does 5 times 5 equal 25? Why am I supposed to love God? Who says that Christians know the best way to live? Who says that God has an opinion on my life sheerly because one way is "right" and the other is "wrong"? Maybe God only cares because God experiences life with us and what affects us God allows to affect God's self?

I'm sorry if my questions offend, scare you or cause you to fear for  my salvation. I guess the only assurance I will make is that I do not wrestle lightly or without a prayer that God will save my soul someday...prevent me from harming others with my own life thoughts. But if you don't live honestly, if you don't engage your own fears and raw questions, what kind of life is that anyway? Definitely not one I will have. For now, I think God cares about me, I think there is some longevity there. I think God likes love. I think life should be lived on a trajectory towards love...toward life--things and people that bring us to life and are life-enriching. For now, I think it's a lot less about the little things and more about ... love. Sounds so trite and simple. But I think it's quite big.

That's all for now. Cheers