As life changes happen, they hit me in different waves. Euphoria, excitement simply for change itself, pure terror, questioning, excitement, more terror, peace, exhaustion, and on it goes. I am so thrilled to begin studying again and using my brain. I am completely floored and honored that I get to study at Duke. These last few weeks I have definitely experienced the aforementioned waves, but the most predominant feeling has been excitement, butterflies, giggles and the sheer delight in planning: where will we live, what will we do, what route will we take to drive across the country?
This morning, I feel something different. Something closer to sadness. We've definitely had a run of it here in Sacramento. There's no doubt in my mind that it is time to move on. All of our friends are leaving too. Some to Portland, some to Spain, some will stay here. But it definitely feels like a wind of change came to us all. But it's still sad to leave. It's still sad to see a chapter so definitively close. And lately, I feel the huge weight of responsibility that it was my actions, my dreams that caused this change. It's me that's asked our whole family to move across the country. It's me that has asked my husband to leave all his friends, the promotion he's been working his ass off for, the comfortability of a home, of assured income, of friends. And I know he is more than willing. Tim is my coach, my cheer leader, my encourager. He would do anything to see me happy, to see me succeed. And I suppose that lessens it a bit, but I still feel that weight.
It's scary too, knowing that there's a good chance we're walking into a huge marital challenge. Balancing two loves, finding time for each other. Doing completely different things. And the possible feelings of purposeful and purposeless.
These last few weeks, I got a job at Kaplan and have been thrown back into studying, teaching and balancing working two jobs, seven days a week. Shortly after I got the job, Tim's job changed him almost primarily to work nights. So while I get off at 1 to come home and study for Kaplan, Tim leaves for work at 12:30. It's been difficult to find time to do things together. We have been so good about finding ways to connect throughout the day and make the time we have meaningful, but it's hard to simply not have daylight together. I know that this short season is completely invaluable in that we are being taught how to flexibly work to stay close. We are remembering what it is like for me to be diving back into books, or as Tim says, "in the room, but in no way present." I know that this is a foreshadow to balancing school and work next year, but it's already getting hard. And I just want it to be fun for awhile. I just want to relax and not work for two weeks. I'm tired of balancing; I'm tired of having to work at it. And I'm damned proud of us already.
So thrilled? Yes. Terrified? Yes. Anxious? Most definitely. Doubting? No. I know this is where we're supposed to be and where we're supposed to go. And who could really be that upset about getting to study in a castle?
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