For a good deal of my life, I have felt like I was owed "direction" from God. Some sort of sense of calling, or specific passion. A desire to do just one thing. I have felt frustrated by other people knowing exactly what they want. I have been envious of them and their drive. I hate that other people seem to know where they are going. I have railed at God, asking why I am not worth giving me a clue as to what I should do.
Last night, I lay in bed and stared at the ceiling as Tim slept peacefully. I prayed about all the apathy I am feeling. Apathy for work, for Sacramento, for the lack of drive I feel to go back to school. Apathy even for the church I moved down here for. And yet again, I asked him about my life. This journey I'm on. Where am I going? What can I change to really engage my life? What should I do? And I sensed one of those listening silences.
It was a silence that said:
I have given you everything. You decide what to do with it.
I suppose I have realized this at other times in my life. And this idea has gradually worked itself out in different ways, but I guess I never really thought about it so directly. Or perhaps it was just what I needed to hear in the moment.
So, in keeping with the motif of this blog, I am gradually going to attempt to integrate school back into my life. Last night I dreamed of setting up a plan with Dr. Slane of figuring out which school I should get my Master's at and a plan of how to arrive there.
...And I am exhausted of being exhausted by the weather here. I am going to do my best to lure fall in by putting chrysanthemums on my doorstep.
Alas, fall arrives and brings with it the dulcet whispers of nostalgia
Though it may seem so, I doubt that anyone actually has the sense of purpose that you envy. If they tunnel-vision into a purpose, it's usually because they didn't allow themselves the fear of analysis and simply kept honest introspection at bay.
ReplyDeletePlath said that the idea of life keeps getting in the way of life.
Joel mentioned the other day that our doing things to fill up our schedule and be busy is not living...that we keep busy to keep from living. But the opposite of this can be a truly apathetic boredom...and is incredibly common of this post-college stage.
Nothing is more important than learning to be. And yet, we are talented women with purpose and desire for greatness and use coursing through our veins.
So I guess I would say not to be so quick to disregard the apathy and boredom simply by charting a course towards a goal or making a plan just to make a plan...but to let something truly soulful and passionate birth from this time; boredom can mean rest...depending on your perspective.
A valid perspective--but how do you let something soulful birth from a time when every fiber in you is screaming for change? Is angry at the job you have (or don't have) is restless and tired of just plodding along?
ReplyDeleteEmbracing the angst in my mind seems like it would also embrace movement--change. No?
Not telling your best friend you have a new blog is the lowest form of treachery. It's a good thing I know how to appropriately stalk the ones I love. Come home so we can see White Christmas.
ReplyDelete