I found this blog I left un-posted from halfway through this semester. These last four months have been exhausting. Emotionally. Intellectually. Spiritually. Bodily. It has been quite the exercise on many fronts. It seems that in the midst of it, I've learned a bit about living in the struggle...
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I dread going to class because I feel like my professors are bored with me. I don't understand half of what they say yet I'm supposed to contribute to class discussion. I'm supposed to be interesting profound provocative. Somehow I am supposed to stimulate them. Even though I've only been in school a quarter of the time they have. And even more amazing, somehow my classmates succeed in doing it. What does this say about me? More importantly,

how can i possibly think i can get into a doctoral program if i don't even know what i think, what i feel, if i have nothing to contribute?

i can't do it
i can't do it
i can't do it.

my insides are screaming. i'm paralyzed with fear exhaustion fear exhaustion. 

what do i even have to contribute? why am i doing this if i have nothing to say?

This whole world is beautiful around me. The scents the flowers, the trees, the leaves. I have chickens. My dogs love me. I am young, beautiful. My husband adores me. Yet I am trying to exist in my own future. I am trying answer then problems now. Slow down Julie. Slow down.

Stop imagining yourself as other people. Stop hating yourself for not being the best parts of other people. Their legs, their ass, their intellect.

What does it look like to love yourself as a student at Duke? What does it look like to be kind to Julie while applying for Phd programs? Julie is a person too. Why do you feel so justified in picking on her? On hating her? Why is it okay to be kind and non-judgmental to others but not okay to yourself?

Also, you don't have to get the best grades of your life the semester you are applying to other schools. Your best is always the best under the circumstances. Give yourself permission to get Cs--to not do all the reading--to mess up--to be embarrassed.